Blessings

Blessed. Another Christianese word, right? Yes, and so much more. Perhaps it is christianese because without that relationship with God, one can’t quite grasp the full meaning of that word.

I feel blessed. Family and friends have been telling me that I am for years, but I never accepted the fact. But it has finally pushed through to my subconscious and now I know it for myself. Blessed. You have all read the cliché meanings of blessed; given gifts, alive, shown favor, etc. but for me, it’s the feeling of needing to dance or shout or sing for the pure joy of being alive. Even if yesterday was awful, or even this morning.

I have many things to be thankful for, yet none of them I earned. I didn’t earn a good family who tried their best to teach me to place my feet on solid rock and think clearly. I didn’t earn a good education. I didn’t earn true friends. Yet more than this, I am loved, because someone made me loveable. And so my heart sings, even if I don’t open my mouth or feel particularly happy.

Being blessed is less about the gifts and more about being secure in the love and accepting the gifts. I am blessed. 

the vision

I opened a drawer this morning to clear it out. What I pulled out are pieces of my heart, parts I can’t put back, cracks I smothered as I tried to “just deal”. Which ironically is not dealing. So while the notebook and tiny tapes lay as silent reminders of what was, I sigh.

And in among the pictures and memories, I found a folded paper full of tiny written words. To read caught my heart, choked my breath. It is called “Waiting. Watching: 24-7-365”. I wanted to share it with you all.

So this guy comes up to me and says,

“What’s the vision? What’s the big idea?”

I open my mouth and the words come out like this…

The vision?

The vision is JESUS: obsessively, dangerously, undeniably Jesus.

The vision is an army of young people.

You see bones? I see an army.

And they are free from materialism – they laugh at 9-5 little prisons.

They could eat caviar on Monday and crusts on Tuesday. They wouldn’t even notice.

They know the meaning of the Matrix, the way the West was won.

They are mobile like the wind, they belong to the nations, they need no passport.

People write their addresses in pencil and wonder at their strange existence.

They are free, yet they are slaves of the hurting and dirty and dying.

What is the vision? The vision is holiness that hurts the eyes.

It makes the children laugh and adults angry.

It gave up the game of minimum integrity long ago to reach for the stars.

It scorns the good and strains for the best.

It is dangerously pure.

Light flickers from every secret motive, every private conversation.

It loves people away from their suicide leaps, their Satan games.

This is an army that will lay down its life for the cause.

A million times a day its soldiers choose to loose that they might one day win the great…

“well done” of faithful sons and daughters.

Such heroes are as radical on Monday morning as Sunday night.

They don’t need fame from names.

Instead they grin quietly upwards

And hear the crowds chanting again and again: “COME ON!”

And this is the sound of the underground,

The whisper of history in the making,

Foundations shaking,

Revolutionaries dreaming once again.

Mystery is scheming in whispers, conspiracy is breathing…

This is the sound of the underground

And the army is discipl(in)ed – young people who beat their bodies into submission.

Every soldier could take a bullet for his comrade at arms.

The tattoo on their back boasts “For me to live is Christ and to die is gain.”

Sacrifice fuels the fire of victory in their upward eyes.

Winners.

Martyrs. Who can stop them?

Can hormones hold them back?

Can failure succeed?

Can fear scare them or death kill them?

And the generation prays like a dying man with groans beyond talking, with warrior cries, silphuric tears and great barrow loads of laughter!

Whatever it takes they will give:

Breaking the rules,

Shaking mediocrity from its cozy little hide,

Laying down their rights and their precious little wrongs,

Laughing at labels, fasting essentials.

The advertisers cannot hold them.

Peer-pressure is powerless to shake their resolve at late night parties before the cockerel cries.

They are incredibly cool, dangerously attractive inside.

On the outside?

They hardly care!

They wear clothes like costumes: to communicate and celebrate, but never to hide.

Would they surrender their image or their popularity?

They would lay down their very lives,

Swap seats with the man on death row,

Guilty as hell: a throne for an electric chair.

With blood and sweat and many tears,

With sleepless nights and fruitless days,

They pray is if it all depends on God and live as if it all depends on them.

Their DNA chooses JESUS. (He breathes out, they breathe in.) their subconscious sings.

They had a blood transfusion with Jesus.

Their words make demons scream in shopping centers.

Don’t you hear them coming?

Herald the weirdos!

Summon the losers and the freaks.

Here come the frightened and forgotten with fire in their eyes!

They walk tall and trees applaud, skyscrapers bow,

Mountains are dwarfed by these children of another dimension.

Their prayers summon the Hound of Heaven

And invoke the ancient dream of Eden.

And this vision will be.

It will come to pass;

It will come easily;

It will come soon.

How do I know?

Because this is the longing of creation itself,

The groaning of the Spirit, the very dream of God.

My tomorrow is His today.

My distant hope is His 3-D.

And my feeble, whispered, faithless prayer invokes a thunderous, resounding, bone-shaking great “Amen!” from countless angels,

And hero’s of the faith, from Christ himself.

And He is the original dreamer,

The ultimate winner.

Guaranteed.

For that vision I will arm myself. For that I will get my ass in gear. Let it be. How could I ever have forgotten?

Is this the day I die? Or is this the day I live? The space between matters not.

(I wrote this 2 months ago. I have carried that paper ever since in my Bible. It re-awakens the fire everytime I read it. )

typical morning

Get up, walk in search of coffee to the kitchen. Notice mom staring at her little red laptop next to the random monitor at the table. "Morning". Delayed response. Also a low-sounding version of "hi" comes from dad's nook. Slippered feet rest on his foot stool, legs supporting his laptop. But that's all I see around the book case. Hmm, coffee, cold, microwave. Hmm, banana, ripe. Sit on couch, read World article by osmosis till brain wakes up. 

Dad shows me Mark Steyn's pointed article likening Europe to an orchestra. Something about Greece and Italy playing cards in the dressing room waiting for the German guy to come and hand them a check. Apt. Mom, still sitting at the table, joins the discussion of Europe's downward spiral, complete with defining social states and demise of the life of work expectations. 

Slight switch to recap of recent family gathering. Background on how things have been shining light on how people are doing and slow changes to the power plays. Mom half typing and asking questions on who said what calling for much repetition and therefore dad and I smiling at each other. 

Next up, plans for weekend and coming week. Why yes, my birthday is coming up. And they both miraculously remembered what age I'm turning :P Dad heads out door to look at issues mom has raised about car. Both stop talking and stare at me. Looking at my feet, and then grabbing them, I wondered if I could walk like that. So I tried. It works, also probably looks hilarious. I crumpled up laughing and found both parents looking at me with that look of "yup, she is still a kid sometimes." I join dad to go look at car issues before he leaves to read at a coffee-shop. 

Re-enter house to find mom rushing around collecting her things before leaving for class. I hold the door, telling her to have fun learning, and get along with classmates, etc. She shoots back with a black look and how sexual deviancy is not her favorite class. 

I forgot to mention the smoking pan while we were talking.

And I sit down to write. Is this picture perfect? No. It is a family living with each other, not just in the same house. Somehow it works, all the quirks and frustrations laughed at. Unless I'm in a rush to leave, then I just get frustrated. Still need to learn something...