the beginning

My sister suggested the name of this blog. i chose it because of what happened around the time i wrote this poem.

The clouds part, sunlight streaming down
The display touches my spirit.
I yearn to embrace the power;
Sing with all the force of my breathe;
Give of my being to the scene
To sing of creation, life, light.

The desire might come from above
As hints of a music descend
Unearthly like the Creator
As He works his art in power
And grace. The result invites us
To match our music with the sight.

this is the first poem i wrote while not depressed. its very different from the depressed ones. it looks up, not back.

i used to think life's journey consisted of getting from the darkness to the light. but thats more the starting point than anything else. then you find grace. it doesnt find you cuz its always been right there. but your eyes become accustomed to the light enough to see whats right beside you. it hands you back the life God saved from the darkness and from you. it hands you the life you tried to destroy. and you get to just live. get up and live the moments which are still there despite all your efforts. accepting grace is living the life without guilt, just gratitude.

kneel, allow the cloak of life to be set upon your shoulders. stand, feel the strength seep thru you. use it, the power of it. shirk your meaning no longer. i dare you.

martha 2

she died on a tuesday. they took her out of the ICU to some room more comfortable for the end. and so she passed with her close family around her. the extended family had tried to go back to normal life and just do something since we couldnt do anything else at the hospital. late monday my uncle decided to end it. i could see on his face he took responsibility for what he was about to do. no one should have to unplug the life of a loved one. it doesnt even sound right. unplug. kill. thats what he thought he was about to do to her. i stopped him and said it wasnt killing, it was letting her go. he didnt believe me.

but God took that responsibility from him. someone came back out 20 mins after they unplugged her and said she was still breathing. oh good, but now she can go, right? nope. so they moved to another room to wait for her stubborn body to wear out. it took a while, more than a full day. and then she left. i didnt feel it. mom did. we got the news, standing around the dining room late at night, and that was it. numb. we had all just been thru emotional torture. panic, hope, sadness, grief, hope, resignation, grief. the news of actual death didnt pack the punch we expected. it was over. but not over.

next the funeral. who does what? scramble, figure it out, schedules. the last things anyone wants to think about right after a death. but it has to be done. it took a while and alot of phone calls. the public funeral. so many people, some you know, some you meet under sad circumstances, but when else are you going to meet those people? lots of crying. i cant cry in front of people. it feels very out of place to not cry for your aunt when pretty much everyone else is crying. just another service. more talking. yes, many touching words, memories, thoughts. and i dont cry. i dont even want to cry except to fit in, which is a stupid reason, so i dont. i study the architecture trying to be pseudo-greek. nothing should ever try to be pseudo-anything. and the pictures with hidden angels in them. study the people, try not to fidget too much.

the family burial. i got to be a pallbearer at that one. dad wrote the main speech, mom read it. more hugs, more tears. and a hawk soaring behind my uncle as he spoke his grief.

then on to food for the family. having the first family food gathering without martha to cut the grief for the next time. children are a saving grace at those things. just watch their antics instead of thinking about what is wrong. no matter what just happened, they can still find something to grin about and laugh. children are necessary. they are the life that continues thru it all.

growing up.

i have often wondered what makes someone an adult instead of a child. its more than age, i realized that when very young. more than legality also. but what is it? i think there are various things, and you find them as you mature. which in itself is a process, not a destination. i should know, people have called me mature since i was a teen. i can tell you for certain that from here it doesnt look that way at all. i was so young and stupid. still am in alot of ways i will find several more years down the road.

but i have found something which is necessary for growing up. one of the many pieces. its the taking of total responsibility for ones actions, right down to not paying attention to having permission or not. which is not an excuse anyways. but having the mindset that this is what you yourself have arrived at, sans everyone else and their ideas concerning it.

this does not exclude God. i am not saying you get to blame Him for what you do or dont do, but i hope that what your decisions take into account what God wants. however, you still get the blame and the responsibility. not sure how all that works. but i think it does.

when someone asks about my faith, i have often said that God made me this way. but that sheds all of my responsibility for what i am and all claim i have towards what i do. its the "God initiates, we respond thing". yes, God brought me into the Kingdom kicking and screaming, but i had finally turned to Him for help. and there came a time when i knew i needed to claim the title fully. i am God's as much as He is mine. He could save me all He wanted. but i had to give myself fully and freely to Him. i had to claim the name christian and revel in all it means. for some reason, shedding the responsibility of what you are brings shame. claiming it erases that. being a Christian isnt a last resort, its who i am.