martha 2

she died on a tuesday. they took her out of the ICU to some room more comfortable for the end. and so she passed with her close family around her. the extended family had tried to go back to normal life and just do something since we couldnt do anything else at the hospital. late monday my uncle decided to end it. i could see on his face he took responsibility for what he was about to do. no one should have to unplug the life of a loved one. it doesnt even sound right. unplug. kill. thats what he thought he was about to do to her. i stopped him and said it wasnt killing, it was letting her go. he didnt believe me.

but God took that responsibility from him. someone came back out 20 mins after they unplugged her and said she was still breathing. oh good, but now she can go, right? nope. so they moved to another room to wait for her stubborn body to wear out. it took a while, more than a full day. and then she left. i didnt feel it. mom did. we got the news, standing around the dining room late at night, and that was it. numb. we had all just been thru emotional torture. panic, hope, sadness, grief, hope, resignation, grief. the news of actual death didnt pack the punch we expected. it was over. but not over.

next the funeral. who does what? scramble, figure it out, schedules. the last things anyone wants to think about right after a death. but it has to be done. it took a while and alot of phone calls. the public funeral. so many people, some you know, some you meet under sad circumstances, but when else are you going to meet those people? lots of crying. i cant cry in front of people. it feels very out of place to not cry for your aunt when pretty much everyone else is crying. just another service. more talking. yes, many touching words, memories, thoughts. and i dont cry. i dont even want to cry except to fit in, which is a stupid reason, so i dont. i study the architecture trying to be pseudo-greek. nothing should ever try to be pseudo-anything. and the pictures with hidden angels in them. study the people, try not to fidget too much.

the family burial. i got to be a pallbearer at that one. dad wrote the main speech, mom read it. more hugs, more tears. and a hawk soaring behind my uncle as he spoke his grief.

then on to food for the family. having the first family food gathering without martha to cut the grief for the next time. children are a saving grace at those things. just watch their antics instead of thinking about what is wrong. no matter what just happened, they can still find something to grin about and laugh. children are necessary. they are the life that continues thru it all.