growing up.

i have often wondered what makes someone an adult instead of a child. its more than age, i realized that when very young. more than legality also. but what is it? i think there are various things, and you find them as you mature. which in itself is a process, not a destination. i should know, people have called me mature since i was a teen. i can tell you for certain that from here it doesnt look that way at all. i was so young and stupid. still am in alot of ways i will find several more years down the road.

but i have found something which is necessary for growing up. one of the many pieces. its the taking of total responsibility for ones actions, right down to not paying attention to having permission or not. which is not an excuse anyways. but having the mindset that this is what you yourself have arrived at, sans everyone else and their ideas concerning it.

this does not exclude God. i am not saying you get to blame Him for what you do or dont do, but i hope that what your decisions take into account what God wants. however, you still get the blame and the responsibility. not sure how all that works. but i think it does.

when someone asks about my faith, i have often said that God made me this way. but that sheds all of my responsibility for what i am and all claim i have towards what i do. its the "God initiates, we respond thing". yes, God brought me into the Kingdom kicking and screaming, but i had finally turned to Him for help. and there came a time when i knew i needed to claim the title fully. i am God's as much as He is mine. He could save me all He wanted. but i had to give myself fully and freely to Him. i had to claim the name christian and revel in all it means. for some reason, shedding the responsibility of what you are brings shame. claiming it erases that. being a Christian isnt a last resort, its who i am.