life out of death

I got to know Alicia after the joy of living had left her. For the last 2 years, she tried to decide whether or not to die. In spurts she would look for something to live for but could never settle on anything enticing enough to make her want to live. And so she took her life. This is the tragedy. A beautiful, talented, smart girl didn’t want to live… so she didn’t.

I myself struggled with the urge of suicide for many years. Dark spirits tormented me nearly to death. Depression was my constant companion, even after God saved my soul. But I didn’t accept my life till 5 years afterwards. It was then that I realized I was slowly destroying myself and that I should instead accept the life that God had not only given me, but saved from me, and for me. Only after I turned and embraced my life did I understand the joy of living, or the beauty surrounding me.

So when Alicia appeared in my life and started talking about her struggles, I understood much of what she was going through. She spoke of the pain of living each day on this earth, the attractiveness of death, and uncertainty of what is after death. She lamented the clutching depression, and her inability to accept the Christian answers to her struggles. And yet she was sporadically happy.

Much of life is pain. This world is not as God created it to be. And so living in it has become a struggle with hurt and heartbreak everywhere. You can be sure, simply by existing, to hurt others and be hurt yourself. With love now comes betrayal. Destruction continues right alongside new beginnings. Defeat and despair cover many people. Yet this is not all there is. Through it all life dances, tossing small joys and breathtaking beauty which remind us of what was supposed to be. These call our attention up from the muck to search for the life which sustains.

There are those who don’t want to live and yet don’t want to die. They hold the gift of life, but refuse to open it. How do you start living? Just open your eyes and look around. Allow your heart to receive the joys. Look, embrace, be, live. More than breathing. More than surviving. You are called to more than that. You are needed. Who you truly are, is needed. God placed you in the lives of those who need you. If everyone embraces who He made them to be, His plan works wonderfully.

When I first decided to quit my destructive ways, and truly live, an occasionally wise man sat in the car with me and talked me thru how to do this. He said, “Don’t wait for the big joys. Start looking for the little joys and those will combine into bigger ones.” And as he spoke, we watched a raccoon family step out of the garbage heap and start their nightly stroll. “Like that!”

The small joys are everywhere. A hawk soaring overhead. The smell of the ocean in the air. Reading a book to a sleepy child. The gentle touch of a hand. This is life. The smoothness of a wood table. The rough tree bark as you climb. The sparkling tears that fall. This is life. You get one chance at it and every moment is packed. Look around and revel in it. Even emotions – all of them. Someone gave you those emotions. If you have ever been numb, you can understand that God granted us the ability to feel.  Sit in those emotions and welcome them, even sadness. Even grief. Grief: the emotion of having lost that which you love.

Alicia can’t enjoy life anymore. If you believe this is a tragedy, then prove it by living. Truly living. Take life and shake it for all its worth. Live the life God gave you and take the joys He offers. Be who He meant you to be. Saint Ireneus  said “The glory of God is man fully alive.” And so, the glory of man is to be fully alive, thereby glorifying God. He doesn’t need you, but He made you to live with Him.

There is a war for each of our souls. The war for Alicia was lost. I grieve that something so shielded her eyes that she could not see the beauty of life. Each of us remains somewhere in that fight against evil and death. Jesus came to give us life that we may live, both in the next life and this one. Deuteronomy 30:19-20 “today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, that you and your descendants might live!”

Life is breathtaking. So beautiful it hurts. So powerful and desirable we fear we may break under the sheer majesty. Life is not easy, nor simple. Sheer complexity at every layer. But our hearts must be open to both pain and joy to live. It is worth it. Give it a try, I dare you.